Sharing jokes <img border=0 src="i/xsmiles/smile2.gif" alt="Mirkt"> - JOKES # 1

Iron · Lapkritis 27, 2002, 12:00ryte

This one is very good! Like others upwards.
Quote from Cockroach’s topic:

Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

I was laughing until death so now i am a zombie. Cha cha Cha cha Cha cha

DarPo1 · Sausis 11, 2003, 12:00ryte

Inspirational Thoughts

Inspirational Messages

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
The trouble with work is - it’s so daily.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you’re it.

_flyer · Sausis 13, 2003, 12:00ryte

its good to have a laugh on Monday Gerai Juokiasi :

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver Vickie, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" Vickie responds. "I’m not a lawyer!"

DarPo1 · Balandis 25, 2003, 12:00ryte

A traffic policeman is working at an intersection, when he sees a guy driving a pickup truck. He notices there are about 20 penguins in the back of the pickup, so he signals for the truck to pull to the side of the road.

He asks the guy driving what he’s doing with all of the birds. The driver is frazzled and admits he doesn’t know what to do with them, so the cop tells him to take them to the zoo. The driver thanks the cop and tells him he thinks it’s a great idea.

A week later the cop sees the same pickup and it is still full of penguins. He pulls the truck over again and says to the driver, "Hey, I thought you said you were taking those penguins to the zoo!"

The driver responds, "Yeah, and they loved it! Today we’re going to a football game!"

_flyer · Gegužis 30, 2003, 12:00ryte

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost !!!

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated Žliumbia , as he had not finished coloring the second one Liūdnas .

Gendalfas · Gegužis 30, 2003, 12:00ryte

Gerai

vilijat · Birželis 7, 2003, 12:00ryte

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn’t recognize you."

Metisa · Birželis 7, 2003, 12:00ryte

Why cats are better then men:
Cats keep their opinions to themselves
Cat’s don’t criticize your mother
Cats never question how much you’re eating
Cats never claim they know how to fix larger appliances
Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep
Cats are happy to let you drive
Cats always look good first thing in the morning
One good purr can be worth a thousand words
Cats don’t complain when you get a short haircut
Cats love it when you go shopping
Cats never return the gifts you get them
Cats are able to keep the romance alive

DarPo1 · Birželis 9, 2003, 12:00ryte

Emily - I loved your joke!!! Gerai Gerai

========================
Here’s a bad joke, but it’s so bad, I had to share… Liežuvis

=========================

"A teacher has been arrested in the US for possession of compasses, protractor and a straight edge.

It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of maths instruction."

_flyer · Birželis 9, 2003, 12:00ryte

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

_inera · Liepa 2, 2003, 12:00ryte

Šypsena Juokiasi

Smaguriukas · Liepa 29, 2003, 12:00ryte

A guy goes into a state government office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we’ll get you started."

The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?"

"Well, here at the State Department we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that."

Gendalfas · Rugpjūtis 1, 2003, 12:00ryte

prikolas Šypsena
dar karta is amerikieciu tyciojas… Juokiasi

Goodfella · Rugpjūtis 5, 2003, 12:00ryte

Yo mama is so fat her shadow weighs 50 pounds…

Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to drown a fish…

Gendalfas · Rugpjūtis 5, 2003, 12:00ryte

cia tu apie kieno motina taip sneki?
nejauti kad negalima apie motina taip sneket? net juokaut?..

trinkit tik sita posta…

MyEpadesT · Rugpjūtis 6, 2003, 12:00ryte

Cha cha Cha cha

Turkis · Rugpjūtis 6, 2003, 12:00ryte

The Seven Degrees of Blondeness…

ONE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don’t know; some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.’"

TWO

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it’s me!"

THREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you’re next!"

FOUR

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that’s easy: W."

FIVE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?" "Yes, officer, I’m just fine," the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…" "Uh, ma’am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, ****dered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

vk · Rugpjūtis 6, 2003, 12:00ryte

Origin of a English word

Viduramžiai, vyksta lankininkų turnyras. Prieina prie linijos pirmas lankininkas, paleidžia strėlę – bac į taikinio centrą.

I am Lancaster…
Prieina antras lankininkas, paleidžia strėlę – ta perskrodžia pirmą strėlę ir įsminga į taikinio centrą.
I am Robin Hood…
Prieina trečias lankininkas, paleidžia strėlę – ta… pralekia pro taikinio šalį ir įsminga žiūrovui į šoną.
I am Sorry…

Va taip ir gimė posakis I’m sorry…

Telenor · Rugpjūtis 6, 2003, 12:00ryte

Heh Cha cha that was Gerai

_flyer · Rugpjūtis 18, 2003, 12:00ryte

A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…" He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…" He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…"