The best joke 
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When
she wakes up, she sees she’s no longer pregnant, and she asks the
doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am you’ve had twins! a boy and a girl. Your
brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother … he’s an idiot!”
She asks him, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
"Denise."
"Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! “'What’s the boy’s name?”
"Denephew."
[quote]*** “the neice” (Denise, actual girl’s name) “the nephew” (Denephew - NOT a real name) 
[/quote]
Three guys, an Englishman, an Afghan and an
American are out walking along
the beach together one day. They come across a
lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The Englishman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a
farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in England."
With a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘FOOM’ - the land
in England was forever made fertile for farming.
The Afghan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, so
that no one can come into our precious country."
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ -
there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
The American asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150’ high,
50’ thick, and nothing can get in or out.”
The American says, "Fill it up with water."
Why can a man not be handsome and intelligent at the same time? … Because he would be a woman then.
Why are men like a toothbrush? … They are useless without handle.
Why are men like snails? … They have horns, they slobber and they trudge along, and above all, they think the house is theirs.
What happens when a man is in the water up till his navel ? … That is beyond his comprehension.
Why do have so many men a beer gut? … Than at least an unemployed dwarf has a roof over his head.
The ressemblance of a man and a cup of coffee? … They both get on the nerve.
What is the difference between a woman and a fridge? a fridge does not moan when there is meat inside
It is round and orange and says:"I am an orange, I am an orange"? … a mandarin who thinks big
What is the difference between a washing machine and a teacher? a washing machine runs on batteries and a teacher gets on the nerves.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? … A battery has also a positive side.
why do have men bandy legs? … all unimportant matters are between brackets
How does a dummy catch a rabbit? … He sits behind a tree and imitates the sound of a carrot.
Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly? … When she feels something wet she turn on her back.
It is white and it stands in the corner? … A punished fridge
What is ressemblance between a man and a dolphin? They both seem intelligent, but it has not been proven yet!!!
Why did God create the man first and only then the woman? … Everyone makes a draft first!!!
Why do men exist ? Because dildos cannot mow the lawn.
Why do women not have a penis ? … That comes together with the brains.
Why do women have legs ? … Otherwise there will be traces of mucus on the kitchen floor.
Why the trolleys were invented ? … To learn women to walk on their hind legs.
What do you do when your mother-in-law is walking in the garden? … Shoot again.
Why does one do some peanut ****er on his condom? … That makes him big and strong.
Wy do the number of traffic accidents with stupid blond girls increase at April 1st? … When the traffic light is read they think it is a joke
If Adam and Eve were so beautiful, how come that there are so many ugly people ?
When a store is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, why is there a lock on the door ?
When you are not supposed to drive a car when you have been drinking, why do bars have a parking lot ?
When swinning is good for the development of our arms and legs, why do fish not have arms and legs ?
Blackmail: "When you do not give me the raise I will tell everyone you did give me one."
The black box of the plane is indestructible, why do they not make the plane of the same material ?
One out of 4 marriages ends in a divorce, what do the other marriages end in ?
How does the driver of a gritting vehicle go to work in the morning ?
How do you call a woman who looses 90% of her intelligence ??..a widow !!!
Do they have a coffee break at the tea factory ?
Does a liar lies when he says he says he is telling a lie ?
Why do we call apartements apartements when they are all connected to one another ?
Why can you buy sigarettes in a gaz station where it is forbidden to smoke ?
Why are you behind a computer, while in fact you are sitting in front of the screen ?
Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman’s Stupid Questions…
- No we can’t be friends; I just want you for sex.
- The dress doesn’t make you look fat, its all that ice cream and
chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. - You’ve got no chance of me calling you.
- No, I won’t be gentle.
- Of course you have to swallow.
- Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
- I hate your friends.
- I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking
to you after tonight. - I’d rather watch a porno.
- Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to screw it.
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods
store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with
Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she
happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today
before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!
I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
A man approached a hooker and said "I’ll give you $500 if you will have
sex with me anyway I want. The Hooker said that the price he offered is
slightly low. The man then said "Well then I’ll give you $1000 if you
will have sex with me anyway I want. The hooker finally agreed and they
left and went to a motel.
The hooker and man were busy at it when suddenly the hooker said "Exactly
how do you want to have sex for $1000?” The man replied, “On Credit
Baby…On Credit!”
From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about
his past. “Come on, tell me,” she asks again, “how many women have you
slept with?” “Honey,” he says, “if I told you, you’d just get angry.”
“No. I promise I won’t,” she begs. “Well, if you insist. Let’s see, one,
two, three, four, you, six, seven…”
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP…
-
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
-
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
-
Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
-
Are You Andy or Barney?
-
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
-
You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-
I pay your salary!
-
Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
-
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
-
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
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When the Officer says “Gee Son…Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,“Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
Joke about 2 lazy cat’s.
One cat says to another:
- Last day I was very hungry, but I was too lazy to get food from the fridge.
Then another cat comes and says: - Hey guys. Did yuo hear last week when I was screaming?
- Yes, - answered they.
- So, I stepped on my balls, but I was too lazy to get off him.
its not a joke, it is a real fact, but sounds quite funny :
An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back as Return to Sender. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion 
If you could tell that sentence your english isn’t very bad!
But my english… It’s something terrible!
The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Cristmas and this isn’t for any religious or constitutional reasons:
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol. But there was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Mary can’t stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn’t have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the **** with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That’s correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don’t stop poking me with that thing, I’m gonna break it off!"
Human Resource Lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
What is the difference between Tampon and a Vampire???
There is no difference, they both **** blood…
[quote]Turkis rašė:
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP…
[/quote]
THE ZEMAITIS WAR ON IRAQ
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hello, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Petras down at the Plunges Bar in Kaltinenai, Lithuania. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Petras," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Petras, after a moment’s calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Simas, my next door neighbor Stasys, and the entire bayonet team from the bar. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Petras, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Barbora!", said Petras. "I’ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Petras called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Petras?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Mecy’s farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Petras, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Petras. "I’ll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Petras rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We’ve modified Kurmio’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Susne Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Petras, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Marija, and Juozas!", said Petras, "I’ll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Petras called again the next day. "Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I’m sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Petras, "we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can bury two million soldiers."
Rubbing Her The Right Way
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Color Television
One day, a man walked into an appliance store.
"Do you sell color televisions?"
"Yes," said the clerk. "Yes, we do."
"Then give me a green one."
Still joking? 