40 ways women fail in bed (N18 angl.)

40 ways women fail in bed (N18 angl.)

  1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy’s **** don’t grab it like a bus rail and
    start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the penis as if it’s
    a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a
    thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at
    all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not
    two-thirds of the way down.

  2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an
    effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the
    outfit to suit your bod. If you’ve got a half-decent arse but no tits for
    example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with
    something silky.

  3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked
    to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!

  4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you’ve come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your
    appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s
    done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his
    arse should do the trick.

  5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don’t put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I’m
    just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we
    can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on
    but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.

  6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried
    away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-****ing slut"
    or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard *****". Laughter at any aspect of the male
    performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can
    speak whole sentences.

  7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face,
    don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful
    union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most
    cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

  8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so
    please don’t insist on seeing what’s going on. If he’s got a bit of a beer
    belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep
    such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he’s shafting
    Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male

  9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does
    not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If
    you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving
    anything or asking for a phone number.

  10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don’t like it that
    much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams

  11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his
    sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed

  12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will
    force him to lie. Men don’t like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some
    weight and tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing as the
    perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al
    could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?

  13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you
    going to come soon." If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth
    off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone
    to the gym to work your biceps. Of he’s shagging you and takes more than 10
    minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act
    of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

  14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s
    ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that
    you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

  15. PLAYING DEAD: Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a
    spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you
    expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and
    we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some
    effort into the act to show your appreciation.

  16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can
    satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion
    that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real
    man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from
    her to keep your man really happy.

  17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes
    your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it
    looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice
    sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy
    models that your man would rather be shagging.

  18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and
    get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without
    savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a
    block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to
    side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy
    finale to fun and games.

  19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy
    he has expended on making love to you - especially if sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
    you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding
    than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.

  20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm
    after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into
    well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy
    that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the
    practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

  21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN
    BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated
    room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom
    and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you’re lucky, your man might imagine he’s
    bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder

  22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be
    excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in
    expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen,
    HE doesn’t. Be considerate, please.

  23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy’s scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of
    nature to be treated gently. Don’t squeeze the balls like you are squeezing
    water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before
    even looking at a guy’s ball bag.

  24. ROBOTS: When ****ing a guy’s **** don’t just get on the end of the thing
    and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should
    be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

  25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him
    to remember your name after he’s shagged you. If he thought it was important
    to remember your name, he would have.

  26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don’t be angry if you’re lover shouts out
    another woman’s name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated
    lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym,
    pub, etc. It’s probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of
    course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is
    understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.

  27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don’t get him all turned on and the let his proud
    stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every
    square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to
    45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you
    must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he’s shot his load and has
    started to snore.

  28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken
    literally. I know it’s hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little
    nibble now and again.

  29. YOU CAN’T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part
    of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and
    complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at

  30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It’s not enough to be a specialist - even in the
    important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you
    must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for
    facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man’s Anal

  31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those
    special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was
    drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or
    video camera.

  32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink
    clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too
    much of a good thing.

  33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don’t spoil everybody’s
    fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do
    have lots, you should feel free to announce them.

  34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It’s natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to
    but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn’t
    even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies
    about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he
    shagged before he met you.

  35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you’re on the
    blob, it doesn’t mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don’t
    put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time
    together to work on your oral and massage techniques.

  36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some
    encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be
    the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he’s got a stiffy,
    you’ve got to deal with it and take things through to their natural

  37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please
    understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep
    while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so

  38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a
    sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the
    illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If
    you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible
    secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

  39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don’t make a fuss about sleeping on
    the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he
    would have given us a snatch.

  40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are
    hardcore porn especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat
    shows or gardening programmes to be watched.


vis apie lovas …

Sugalvok man dar taip… :DD