Anecdotes… JOKES # 3
gal kas zinote anglisku anegdotu, arba kokiu puslapiuku su jais? aciu is anksto
As pati asmeniskai nezinau, bet va bandziau per google "jokes" ieskot tai nemazai ismete 
What is the difference between Vampire and Tampon???
There is no difference at all…they both s’uck…LOL
I do not like to listen nor to tell anecdotes… language doesn’t matter. i don’t know why.
A brief "humorous" story - just a little too close to reality I think…
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not
talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts
was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you’re speaking to me."
He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"
"Haven’t you noticed I haven’t spoken to you for three days?"
I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
here’s one i heard on TV.
an english man was on holidays in japan. he went to a restaurant to have supper. he looked at the menu, and found it all in japanese, so he couldn’t undersant a word. he cought one waiter and found out that he didn’t speak english. so pointed at a name of one dish. the waiter thought for a while, and then made a noise like a chicken.
the english man started feeling uncomfortabile, so he found a waiter who spoke english. the english man pointed at the same dish again, and the waiter said:‘oh this is mushroom soup’. the english man, now all confused, said:‘but he just made a noise like a chiken!’
the waiter said:
‘yeah, because he can’t make a noise like a mushroom…’
Three Engineers and a Faulty Car
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just
stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at
each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics
of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that
maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,
comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out,
get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it’ll work!?"
I really like gendalfas’ anecdote. 
The following aren’t anecdotes, but I think they’re worth sharing…
==================
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into
office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to
raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to
your neighbor You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and
start a campaign of sabotage.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and
build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both,
shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk,
then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have a barn with 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with
an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and
the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
The Luck of the Irish…
An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye, and said, "I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live."
O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.
O’Malley said, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer, and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O’Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone."
Three professors from Boston go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, although none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Harvard School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy’s side, so they let him go, too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I’m from MIT, (Massachusetts School of Technology) and I’ll tell you right now you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t connect those two wires!"
darpo1 > i loved the one with the cows…
…
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and
start a campaign of sabotage.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and
build a herd of cows.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when the cow drops dead.
… classic!
[quote]gendalfas rašė:
if random computer operating systems were airlines 
http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/DOSAirlines.txt
[/quote]
Very fitting… Thanks!
Very fitting... Thanks!
Thanks!
[/quote]
well the page is pretty good, so i’ll put a link:
http://www.danielsen.com/jokes/
have a good laugh LOL
Beer Quotes
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
–His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
–David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
–Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart
People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
–Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson
I want a beer.
- Teddy Bear
Random thoughts…
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t
people from Holland called "Holes?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean
to make terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and
you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just
stale bread to begin with.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of
magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a
"whack"?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1
billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you
that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Only in America
Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance…
Only in America…are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink…
Only in America…do we award someone $3,000,000 for
spilling hot coffee in their own lap…
Only in America…do we have labels on baby strollers
to remind people to remove the baby before folding up the stroller…
Only in America…do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America…do people order double cheese
burgers, large fries, and a diet coke…
Only in America…do banks leave all the doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters…
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage…
Only in America…do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t
miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to
in the first place…
Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight…
Only in America…do we use the word "politics" to
describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning
"many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"…
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with
Braille lettering!
This you should all enjoy. If you don’t laugh out loud at least three times I think you need a humor checkup.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
-
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan’s rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"